The Anger I Was Ashamed to Feel – And the Love That Never Left

 The Anger I Was Ashamed to Feel – And the Love That Never Left

"She taught me that grief is a time to be lived through, experienced fully, and that the heavens will not fall if I give voice to my anger against God in such a time.

 --Elizabeth Watson

⚓Introduction – Anchoring in Today's Passage

 Today's passage from Healing After Loss hit hard. 

It gave me permission to feel what I've been burying — anger. 

Yes, I'm angry at myself. There was a season in our lives when all Mark and I did was fight.

䷼The Truth – Naming the Guilt and Conflict

There was a time I hated him. That feels like a horrible thing to write. But it's the truth.

But we were falling apart — not in love, not in sync.

We fought constantly while trying to build a life, a business, and somehow hold ourselves together after so many personal losses.

 I had just lost my mom, and it felt like the ground beneath me crumbled. I felt misunderstood. Overwhelmed. Lost. 

There were moments I didn't want to keep going. Moments when I resented him so profoundly, I didn't recognize myself.

Some nights, I would lie in bed thinking, 

"I don't want to do this anymore." 

"Maybe if he were gone, it would be easier.”

I never meant it. I just wanted peace. I just wanted a way out of the storm. 

And now that he's actually gone… I hate myself for ever thinking it.

💔Now That He's Gone – Sitting with the Guilt

And now he's gone… and I feel this heavy guilt. 

How could I have ever felt that way? 

What kind of person was I?

But here's the truth:
Even when I felt hate… I still loved him.
Now he's gone — and I'm left with guilt.
But Healing After Loss said something that gave me peace:
My anger is legitimate. And it will burn away when I acknowledge it.

 

🔥 Letting It Burn – What Today's Passage Gave Me 

Today's passage reminded me:

"My anger is legitimate. And it will burn away sooner if I acknowledge and express it.”

That could be the point.

Grief doesn't rewrite the truth. It reveals it.

Grief is messy. Full of contradictions.

But we don't have to hide from anger or guilt.

We can face it.

Speak it.

Let it fly.

🕊Letting It Fly – Finding Grace

I can't go back and change what I felt.

But I can acknowledge it now. 

And by naming it, I free myself from the prison of shame.

The heavens didn't fall when I cried out to God in my worst moments.

They won't fall now.

My anger, my regret, my love,

They're all part of this grief. 

And maybe, just maybe, 

That means I'm healing.

💬 "My anger is legitimate and will burn away sooner if I acknowledge and express it."

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